Parenting an Oppositional Child

There are probably times when you feel like all your child says is "No!" This is common among toddlers and preschoolers and it could be on any given subject. It doesn't matter if it's to get dressed or go to sleep, even something fun like going to the playground. Any of these can lead to a stubborn, "No!" 

This defiance may come out as a shout or a whisper, even just a forceful head shake. Nonetheless, it can be frustrating to parents. It may even leave you a little confused and annoyed.

Parenting an oppositional child—or at least one who is in a stubborn phase—can be tricky, but it can be done. The key is to have patience and a willingness to try an array of discipline techniques, including a little reverse psychology. 

Why Kids Say "No"

The biggest reason why preschoolers say "no" is because they can. This is especially true for children who are 3 and younger. Being able to say "no" to something puts a great deal of power in their hands. Quite often, their refusal is less about not wanting to do something, but more about exercising control over a situation they haven't been able to in the past.1

As your child gets older, saying "no" may still be a way to control their own destiny and make their own decisions. Think of it as a way of declaring their independence, even if what they are saying "no" to is something they'd like.

So what is a parent to do? When a child consistently says "no," with no real rhyme or reason, it can be very irritating. Take a deep breath and know that with a bit of strategy and a new approach, you can both get through this.

Check Your Own Vocabulary

How many times a day do you say the word no? This may reflect on your child's usage. That's not to say you should start saying yes to your child's every request. Instead, consider using different phrases and words when the answer is negative.

For instance, you could try "Stop!" or "Please don't do that." There are also times when it's better to explain why you made the decision: "We have already read two stories, now it is time to go to bed. We can read another one tomorrow, I promise."

Don't Make It a Yes or No Proposition

Instead of telling your preschooler that it is time to get ready for bed, ask her what she would rather do first, put on her pajamas or brush her teeth. When it is time to clean up the playroom, ask if he'd like to start picking up the blocks or the cars first. 

By giving the appearance of a choice, the situation is presented in a positive fashion and your child is more likely to be cooperative. Just make sure that the choices you offer are acceptable to you, no matter which one your child chooses. If you really want your child to put on her pajamas before she brushes her teeth, come up with another set of options for her to choose between.

Position Your Child as a Helper

Often times, a child says no because they don't want to do something—clean up, feed the dog, or some other simple household chore. This is the perfect opportunity to appeal to her desire to please you. Say something like, "It would make me so happy—and you would be such a big helper—if you could put your clothes in the hamper. Thank you!"

Try to Avoid a Battle

If you are already sensing that your child is going to reject whatever you say, you are naturally going to be tense going into it. Try to frame things in a positive light instead and see how it affects both of you.

Try not to say, "We can't go to the pool until you eat your lunch." Turn it around to, "As soon as you finish your sandwich, we can go swimming!" By keeping it positive, your child will be more likely to agree.

Show Empathy

When faced with a room cluttered with toys or a fun bath that your child clearly doesn't want to get out of, try to look at it from his point of view.1 By doing so, you might be able to understand why his natural inclination would be to react negatively to what you are saying.

Tell your child that you recognize how he's feeling and offer your reasoning in a fun way: "I can understand why you don't want to get out of your bath—we are having so much fun playing together! But if you get out now we can have a snack and read a story before going to bed."

Avoid Mealtime Battles

For many families, the dinner table can be a source of angst. No matter how nice the meal you prepared may be, a picky eater can easily put a damper on everything. 

If your child is consistently saying no to everything you serve up, it's time to find a new strategy. A good way to encourage her to try something new is to always offer it up.2 Try not to assume she will say no right away. 

If she does reject what you are serving, offer an alternative, but make it the same food every time. A cold non-sugary cereal may be a great deterrent, for instance. After a few meals, it's likely that she will get tired of eating the same thing and might be willing to try something new.

Don't take it personally. ​Your child isn't telling you no because he doesn't like you. As with most preschool behaviors, this one is all about him, so try to be patient. As your child matures, he will likely grow out of this stage.

If you are still concerned, talk to your pediatrician or your child's preschool teacher or daycare provider. They may have some ideas that can help you as well.

When "No" Is Not Acceptable

There are times when hearing the word "no" from your preschooler is not an option. This is especially true when their safety is at issue. For example, if he doesn't want to hold your hand in the parking lot or is about to touch something hot, you need to say "no." Make sure your child is safe and explain why it is important that he listens to you.

You also want to make sure you are firm in your parenting. If your child is still saying no, it's okay to exercise your authority. "I know you aren't happy, but I'm your parent and I make the decisions."

Last Words

Getting constant opposition from your little one can be frustrating, but it's often a phase that will get better over time. Keep this in mind and try to some of the strategies we've discussed. You may be surprised which one of them will work with your child.

Your kids will become engaged, disciplined, contributing members of the family, with positive attitudes. You just need the right point-system for kids.