8 Ways Parents Can Help Kids Who Are Being Bullied

Peer cruelty can hurt, and that pain can last for years, or even a lifetime.

We can try to understand why children bully specific kids, but keep in mind there’s no one profile of a target, just as there is no one cause of bullying. While you can’t always be there to step in and protect your kids, there are ways to help.

Here are eight solutions adapted from my book, “End Peer Cruelty, Build Empathy: The Proven 6Rs of Bullying Prevention That Create Inclusive, Safe, and Caring Schools”:

Determine if it’s bullying. Bullying is different from just kids disagreeing with one another or teasing. It is always intentional, one-sided and mean-spirited, and rarely happens just once. So establish if the incident was bullying. “Was it an accident, or did he hurt you on purpose?” “Did she mean to be mean?” “Did he do it more than once?” “Did he know that he was hurting you?” “Did she care that you were upset?” “Did you tell her to stop?” “Did she keep on?” “Has this happened before?”

Check the school policy. Access the school’s website online to assess its bullying policy, and then discuss it with your child. Talk about, for example, if there’s a way for your child to report the issue – and if it can be done anonymously. If no policy exists, talk to a school administrator.

Find support. Kids who have even one friend to confide in can deal with the torment of bullying better than children on their own. Suggest hanging out with a friend at recess or sitting with a friend on the bus ride home.

Create a plan. Peer cruelty happens more often in unsupervised areas like around students' lockers, in the back of a bus and in bathrooms. Discuss where the bullying transpires, and develop a safety plan. “Don’t walk through the park.” “Sit behind the bus driver.” “Play near the recess supervisor.” “Keep your books with you so you don’t have to go to your locker.” Then tell your child: “Let’s keep talking about what to do so you’re safe.”

Identify safety nets. Identify a trusting adult to help your child if you’re not at the scene, such as a secretary, teacher, neighbor or custodian. The adult should take this seriously and protect your kid. Ask your child: “Which adult will help?”

Step in when needed. If the bullying continues or there’s ever the possibility your child could be injured, step in. Talk to those directly responsible for your child, like his teacher, coach or a day care worker. If you don't get assurance, go up a level: Call the principal, superintendent or school board. Keep records of incidents, witness names, phone numbers and details, and print out copies of all vicious instant messages or threatening emails. Don’t be surprised if you are met with resistance or told that your child needs to “toughen up.” Be vigilant, and advocate for your child.

Teach your child how to be assertive. Kids are bullied for many reasons, but if they look upset, cry or use wimpier body language, they can be seen as easier targets of peer cruelty. So, teach your child assertiveness skills to appear less vulnerable and more likely to be taken seriously by peers.

Help your child use a posture that appears strong and confident: shoulders down, back straight and head up. Teaching kids to “always look at the color of the talker’s eyes” helps them hold their heads higher and makes their body language appear more assertive, even if they’re trembling inside.

Talk to your child about staying cool. You might say, “You can’t control what another person says or does, but you can control how you respond.” Help kids develop a coping strategy, such as taking slow, deep breaths, counting slowly to 10 in their head or telling themselves, “I can get through this.”

Teach your child how to respond to bullying. If your child responds to a cruel peer, short, direct commands work best: “No,” “Cut it out,” “Stop” or “Back off.” The response should be delivered with a strong, determined voice. Explain: “It’s not what you say that matters as much as how you look and sound.”

Have an exit plan. Sometimes the safest response for a child is to exit the scene and get help if needed. Tell your child: “Hold your head high, and walk towards a crowd or an adult. Don’t look back.”

Bullying is intentional cruelty and should never be tolerated, but is a social reality. So, tell your kids over and over that you are always available and will believe and support them. “You know you can always come to me” is the one message our children must hear. The Point-system for kids provides every information about the ways of teaching about basic manners like respect, following rules, table manners and many more which leads to the overall development of kids.