8 Positive Discipline Techniques Every Parent Should Know

#1 Offer Choices:

When you give your kids choices instead of commands where they can use a ‘no’ response, you are less likely to end up in the typical power struggle situation. This tends to avoid no for an answer as well as complete defiance. The choice empowers the kids.

Of course, make sure that you are okay with both choices. Do not give your kids a choice you cannot abide by, since this will only make you unreliable in their eyes.

The choices don’t have to be too complicated — just asking them how they want to do something can be quite effective. Instead of commanding “Move it, we’re getting late” a gentle “Do you want to wear your shoes first or the jacket?” will get them moving with a lot less fuss.

I’ll never forget my experience working in the classroom of a very experienced preschool teacher. One child refused to cooperate at circle time. He ignored the teacher’s directions, disciplining, and did his own little thing. One day, a few weeks into the year, the teacher decided to try a “newfangled” idea of choices. She called over little Mr. Independent and gave him a choice of seats to sit at circle time. He proudly picked his seat, and cooperated beautifully for the rest of the year. The look of shock on the teachers face was priceless. “I guess everyone can learn something new,” she muttered.

The nice thing about this most-often recommended positive discipline technique is that you foster independence, yet still hold the reins. Children love the autonomy, and you’ll love that it works — win-win!

#2 Create a YES Environment:

Children are born with a healthy curiosity, and they need the freedom to safely explore their surroundings to discover what their world is all about. It’s important not to inhibit this natural curiosity by constantly reprimanding your child for touching things around the house.

As kids get older their natural instinct is to express their individuality and push limits. At this stage it becomes essential that you give them the freedom they seek, but within well-defined limits.

With younger kids, childproofing — ex. placing all dangerous or breakable items out of reach — reduces stress for both parents and children. Your child won’t have to hear “no” all the time, and you will have more peace of mind knowing that he’s not getting into things he shouldn’t.

In my own case, my daughter, like most toddlers, would wreck the kitchen as I cooked supper. She would unpack cabinets, crash pots, and then whine for me to pick her up. First, I locked two cabinets with breakables and electronics so I don’t have to worry for her safety. I created a special toy cabinet, and got her a set of toy metal pots, so she wouldn’t dent mine. I also added metal spoons from the 99 cents store. Additionally, I give her my containers as I’m cooking-cheese, egg and cereal carton or whatever other recyclable I have goes on the floor. Now, I can actually cook supper calmly!

#3 Teach Emotions:

It’s never too early to start teaching your kids to express their emotions. Not being able to comprehend what’s going on is a very common reason for kids acting out.  As Dr. Dan Siegel, an eminent neuropsychiatrist, and New York Times bestselling author explains, they need to be able to name it, so they can tame it!

In the book Flip It, Rachel Wagner Sperry states “Feelings are the root of all behavior.” And later on, “Children must become aware of what they feel, before we ask them to control it.”

I remember reading about a young mom who taught her three year old to communicate his emotions and was happy to see that it really helped. He told his mom, “When the bus brought me home today, and nobody waited outside for me, I was very scared.” Isn’t that better than a child stomping in looking like a storm cloud and none of you know why?

#4 Ignore Bad Behavior:

You’ve got to pick and choose you battles. As a high school teacher who deals with teenagers, my mother says she often pretends not to hear or see certain behaviors. While this is not one of the positive discipline techniques to use too often, it works amazingly well for minor problems.

When my daughter plays with something she’s not supposed to (such as mommy’s magazines), I’ll sometimes turn a blind eye. If she’s safe and happy, and I’m not concerned about the object, I’ll move the object out of reach at a later time.

Here’s the thing — we’re not a policeman and acting like one can be draining. So, let’s give ourselves and our kids a break. Kids will be kids, and honestly, don’t we also need some breathing time? As long as we use this judiciously, we can create and enjoy a more relaxed atmosphere in our homes.

Sometimes, children seek negative attention. By ignoring the bad behavior, we take away the fun of it and reduce the incentive to engage in such behavior in the future.

#5 Use Fictional Third-Party Mediators:

With little kids, use a puppet to model positive behavior, or mediate fights. A third party can help cool things down and diffuse tension. Pick a quiet time for a quick puppet show modeling positive behavior.

My friend uses supper time to model positive eating habits through a puppet. Her children love the creative shows, and as a bonus, they behave through the show and supper!

With older kids, use the news stories or current events as mediators that facilitate difficult conversations. For instance, talk to your teens about the riots in Ferguson, Missouri. It is a great way to bring up racism, diversity, rioting and other difficult topics.

Discuss it by reviewing a variety of  perspectives – from your family’s point of view and the values you hold dear, from a broader perspective of what this means to a community, the balance between power and responsibility etc.

#6 Play Detective:

Why is your child acting out? Are there times of the day or specific activities when challenging behavior is most likely to occur? Could other children or adults in close proximity be a trigger? Are there environmental conditions that may be a factor? (e.g., too warm, too cold, too crowded, too much noise, too chaotic, weather conditions). Or can any of these circumstances be a factor: illness, allergies, change in diet, medication change, hunger, parties or crowds, change in caregiver, fatigue?

See if you can find the source of the tantrum before jumping to conclusions. Circumstances can influence behavior, so when you examine outside issues you can avoid future outbursts.

Another good idea may be recording what time of the day the behavior occurs. You can use the ABC log (antecedent, behavior, consequence) to see if a pattern emerges.

With older children, you can include them in the process of figuring out what’s bothering them.

My big concern a while back was my toddler’s grating bedtime cry. Then I learnt to take a minute and think-why is my daughter crying? One time, I returned to her room and smelled a dirty diaper. Another time, after a full day of refusing most food, she threw up. On a different occasion, I realized she was plain hungry. I never regret double checking and thinking- What can be causing this behavior?

Behavior serves as a function. If you can figure out what causes the behavior, you can figure out how to try to stop it.

#7 Be Consistent:

Make sure you are consistent in your discipline. Your child needs to know what is and isn’t acceptable. And they judge that by what was and wasn’t okay yesterday and the day before.

Try to keep to the same schedule every day. That means having regular nap times, mealtimes, and bedtimes, as well as times when your child is free to have fun.

When you do have to make a change, it helps to warn your child in advance. This can prepare her for a slightly different routine, and hopefully prevent a scene.

For a major change, such as a move, new sibling or death, a simple home made book that the child can reread can be immensely helpful. If you are moving, put a picture of the old house, neighborhood, and new house. Write down what will occur. This will give the child an understanding of what’s occurring, and prevent myriad discipline issues.

My friend’s six year old daughter told her mother she would not attend aunt’s wedding. Baffled at her refusal, she thought about it and realized that her daughter had no clear picture of what the day would be like. She sat down with her and explained the entire wedding day. Her daughter calmed down and they happily attended the event.

Children thrive on routine. If they know what’s coming, they are less likely to act out. Hey, you also behave better if you know why your spouse had a hard day!

#8 Divert and Channel:

Diversion is a great tool to use with younger children. Little ones have a short attention span and you can use this to your advantage. You may be able to distract them from whatever they are fussing about. Instead of giving in, find something new to do or talk about that might interest your child.

During the witching hour, if my daughter’s behavior starts getting to me, I try taking her to a different room, or going out for a walk. Some fresh air always seems to help. There are variety of popular children book series available and with the help of those books you can teach your kids about economics, money management, life skills and life lessons.